The Secret Is Out! The Truth Behind Why We Hoard Fabric

Earlier today, an article was surreptitiously placed on my desk.

The age of said article could be guessed at due to the fact that it was printed from a ‘fax machine’ (a species of technology that is now extinct, if you weren’t sure).

The content of this article has not only made my day, but also justified the constant desire to purchase at least a metre of everything that lands on our shelves, despite the fact that my front room is quite literally overflowing with boxes and baskets of fabric and that there may or may not also be a secret stash under my bed...

But now I hold my head up high and shout “IT’S NOT MY FAULT!” whilst I proceed to crazy laugh and buy some more of the latest collections.

You must now be wondering what could possibly be in this article that could have such a euphoric response. Please, read on and find out for yourself...

A recent study has indicated that quilt fabric gives off certain Pheromones that actually hypnotise women and cause them to purchase ungodly amounts of the substance!

When stored in large quantities in enclosed spaces, these Pheromones cause memory loss and induce the nesting syndrome (similar to the one squirrels have before the onset of winter, i.e. storing food), therefore perpetuating that species, and preventing a population loss due to their kind being cut up into pieces and mixed with others. Sound tests have also revealed that these fabrics emit very high-pitched sounds, heard only by a select few breeds of women known as “quilters.”

When played backwards on an LP, the sounds are heard as chants "buy me, cut me, sew me!” In order to overcome the so-called "feeding frenzy effect" that these fabrics cause, face masks and ear plugs must be worn when entering a storage facility to avoid being pulled into their grip. Studies also point to an indication that aliens have inhabited the earth, helping to spread the effect that these fabrics have on the human population. They are called fabric store clerks.

It’s also common for these same Pheromones to cause a pathological need to secret fabric purchases away when taken home (or at least blend them into the existing stash). When asked by a significant other if the fabric is new, the reply is “I’ve had it for a while!”

This wonderfully factual article was originally published in August 1997 in the Western North Carolina Quilter’s Guild Newsletter. Written by Kathy (Smith) Harris, Tuscan AZ.